Is Your Type Holding You Back? The Real Deal on Dating Preferences
Are Dating Preferences Bad?
Courtesy: Youtube/Arlette Amuli
I was in high school when someone first imposed their dating preferences on me. More concerned with finding my forever high school sweetheart than doing my homework, I vented to my best friend about the woes of singlehood. She felt bad for me and saw this as the perfect opportunity to become my personal matchmaker.
Conjuring up a cure for my juvenile agony, we sat on my couch while she texted one of her male friends–let us call him Kris.
I’d only seen Kris in photos. He had soft features, likely still shedding baby fat, and hadn’t yet hit his second puberty. He wore thick, black-framed glasses, and his complexion was somewhere between brown and dark-skinned. I wasn’t initially attracted to him but was open to gettting to know him, especially after my best friend raved about his kind personality.
Kris had never seen me though, so we set about finding the perfect selfie—one that would be sure to impress him. We eventually sent one and waited for his reply.
“She’s pretty but too dark for me,” he messaged. A simple yet demoralizing response.
The disappointment and utter confusion I felt reading that message rattled my spirit. Until that moment, no one had ever discounted me because of my skin tone. I often watched my girlfriends with deeper complexions get shut out of the dating pool by colorist guys. But I, on the other hand, always felt shielded by my caramel skin which sat comfortably in the middle of the spectrum.
Kris’s remark, though, made me realize that my armor could only protect me from so much.
It exposed a deeper issue—how dating preferences, often rooted in superficial traits like skin color, can be just as limiting as they are personal. And now, in the era of dating apps and popular YouTube series like 20v1 and Arlette Amuli’s Pop The Balloon, superficial dating has become normalized, with people encouraged to make snap judgments based on appearance alone.
It’s fascinating to watch people disqualify contestants for attributes they can’t change like skin color or height—or even something as trivial as a bad outfit.
But, when I watch these videos, I don’t blame the contestants for standing true to their standards. Instead, I find myself questioning the nature of their choices: Are they based on genuine personal preferences or are they influenced by modern dating norms? This leads me to the question: are dating preferences always a bad thing?
Kris’s reason for not giving me a chance—my skin tone—was superficial (and maybe borderline colorist). But no matter how unfair I felt his reason was, I don’t hold the power to change his beliefs. Everyone has the right to date someone who they deem attractive, right?
I’m a firm believer in mutual attraction. I mean, what’s the point if you and your partner aren’t in awe every time you see each other?
But preferences go beyond physical attraction. A study reported by BBC Future found that personality often takes the lead in dating priorities. Jess Alderson, co-founder of the dating app So Syncd, found that nearly 90% of over 1,000 surveyed users prioritized personality traits in their dating preferences.
What seems much more common (and realistic), though, is using preferences to filter out compatibility. We all have standards, and that’s okay. Whether it’s a personality trait or career ambition, certain preferences can keep us from getting into relationships that just won’t work.
Some preferences might seem a bit superficial, but the right ones can be key to saving ourselves from… let’s just say future headaches.
Now in my early 20s, freshly graduated from university, I’ve got a stack of dating experiences to look back on. I’ve swiped left for the silliest reasons—a photo pose that felt off or a haircut that just wasn’t doing it for me. But when it came to the people I actually dated, there was no “type.” In the end, their shade, height, or fashion choices weren’t what led to our unsuccessful love stories; it was simply our personalities and lifestyles that just didn’t mesh.
Looking back, Kris’s comment stung, but I get it. We’re all entitled to our preferences.
Still, it’s worth examining our biases. Ask yourself if your preferences will affect the quality of a relationship or if it discriminates against a group of people. After all, who’s to say that if Kris had overlooked my complexion, we couldn’t have been the ultimate power couple?
Seven years later, I discovered that Kris is gay, so, I guess I never had the chance anyway.