So You're Thinking About Having A Threesome?
Three is never a crowd when y’all are having a good time!
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So you and your partner have been talking about having a threesome, huh? Maybe it’s a fantasy that keeps coming up in your spicy convos, and now you're both wondering how to make it happen. But if you're feeling unsure or doubtful about how to make y'alls sex dreams come true, you're not alone.
Don’t worry—it’s not easy for everyone! Threesomes are fun and sexy, but finding someone to match you and your boo’s freak is not something to do carelessly. You must talk it out and lay some ground rules first. Here’s a guide to help you explore the experience with an open (and safe) mind.
How To Have A Threesome With Your Partner:
get honest about your intentions
Before looking for a third person, have an honest conversation with your partner to make sure it’s something you both want to try. Once you and your bae establish what you both want, start articulating your intentions and expectations.
Ask yourselves:
How will a threesome benefit our relationship?
Why do we want to have a threesome?
What type of person are we both looking for?
Will this be a one-time or common thing?
What sexual needs are we both trying to fulfill?
To avoid resentment or a potential breakup, ensure your relationship has a solid foundation before adding someone else into the mix. On The Sexual Black Girl podcast, J. Marie, a certified sexologist, explains, “If you are already struggling in your relationship or have issues that you have not resolved or worked through, don't think a threesome is going to solve it because it's not. All it will do is bring in a third party and complicate things even further.”
In other words, don’t make the relationship more toxic than what it already is.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
After communicating your desires, start planning how you want the threesome to go. You don’t want to mess up the vibe trying to figure out what positions to do while y’all get down! That could be an immediate turn-off.
Consider these questions:
What sexual acts are off-limits?
How will you give both parties equal attention in the bedroom?
What’s the safe word?
Is kissing allowed?
Remember the person who decides to join you two will have their own boundaries and limits, so you must be willing to compromise.
3. Find The Right Third
Attraction, chemistry, and comfortability will make a three-way experience enjoyable for everyone involved. Before getting active though, carefully vet the third person to ensure you and your partner can trust them. Ask about their expectations, experiences, and boundaries.
Whether you believe it or not, sex can spark feelings, so all three of you must have a conversation beforehand about expectations. Psychologist David Wahl puts it this way: “You or your partner may develop an emotional attachment to the added member of your triad. Even if the sexual encounter is held to a single event, you or your partner may want to reach out to the third party for emotional satisfaction.”
To get to know your third, consider taking them out on a date. Don’t bother breaking the bank on fancy restaurants, coffee shops and lowkey food spots are fine. Just spend time getting to know each other (this is also a great time to bring up STI testing and preferred forms of protection).
You may also be considering asking a close friend to join, but that can get awkward. If you and your partner want to meet someone new, you can try dating apps for couples, like 3fun, 3rder, and Feeld.
Other Considerations
Practice safe sex: Use protection and make sure that everyone gets tested beforehand to avoid spreading STDs and STIs.
Lock in before, during, and after: Consent must be given at all times. Make sure everyone is on the same page and enjoying the experience at every stage.
Be ready to reflect: After doing the do, express what you liked and disliked about the activity. Maybe there will be more three-ways in the future (wink, wink).
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