Let’s Talk About Toxic Black Parenting
It’s time we discuss certain toxic traits that have been passed down in Black households for generations.
where do I even begin with this topic?
For starters, I’ve been around Black parents all my life. From being raised by a single mother and grandmother, to going to my cousins’ houses, to witnessing Black families in public. All of these encounters, some personal and some second-hand, have shown me that there are a lot of harsh patterns in Black parenting styles. It wasn’t until I got older, however, that I realized these unhealthy parenting characteristics were affecting me in my adult life.
It was always common to joke about these types of things in high school—I remember we used to joke about who got beat with the worst “switch”— it was like we knew our experiences were bad, but it was all we knew, and laughing at our pain was the best way to make light out of the situation.
Nowadays, you can find videos on social media where people joke about the differences between white and Black parents... just another way to laugh at our pain.
But when you really take a look at these videos, you'll notice that the Black parenting styles are rooted in aggression. It’s pretty concerning how we mistake these borderline abusive traits for effective parenting.
I think it’s about time we truly acknowledge what this toxic Black parenting looks like, and discuss ways to break these generational curses.
3 Toxic parenting traits that are plaguing the Black community
Aggression as discipline
I got a lot to say about this! One common thing associated with Black parenting and discipline is spanking. Growing up, I was a pretty unhinged child, so I got beat… a lot. The main way I found myself meeting with the belt was through behavioral problems at school. It felt like every day I was writing, “I will not disrespect my teacher and my classmates” 100 times on a sheet of paper before picking out a belt when my mom came home from work.
I guess she thought this was effective but the gag is, I endured all that pain and suffering just to go back to school the next day and act out again.
See, what parents don’t understand is that beating your kids is not an effective behavioral management strategy, like, at all. Not only is it impractical, it teaches children to use aggression to solve conflicts. And in a world where Black people experience more violence and discrimination than other races, all spanking does is send messages to Black children that they don’t have a safe space in society or at home. And according to Jorge Cuartas, a Ph.D. candidate at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, “Preschool and school-age children — and even adults — [who have been] spanked are more likely to develop anxiety and depression disorders or have more difficulties engaging positively in schools and skills of regulation….”
Not only should we end spanking, but being aggressive towards children as well. There are some universal sayings that have been used in Black households that are just as toxic as beatings.
The infamous: “Stop crying before I give you something to cry about,” is just one example of the disturbing language Black parents use when talking to their children. Not only do some Black parents threaten their children, but they yell at them too. And just like beating your children, yelling at them has long-term effects. I have friends who were yelled at as children who don’t do well with confrontation and get overwhelmed when dealing with conflict.
As young Black adults, we must point out harmful parenting behaviors instead of making fun of them because there’s real trauma behind them. Understanding the effects of aggressive parenting on children will allow us to make a positive impact on future generations.
2. Power over parenting
This type of parent thinks being a parent means being a dictator. Their favorite line to hit you with is: “Because I said so.” Dealing with these types of parents is hard because they establish a hierarchy between you and them, and it feels like you have no say in anything.
Parenting is bidirectional, meaning the child and the parent impact and influence each other (that Parentology class I took last year coming through). However, in some Black households, parents only view a child as a subordinate and don’t respect the child’s autonomy. The relationship is based on: “I am the parent, you are the child.” These parents think they’re always right, and if a child voices their opinion the parent may take that as a sign of disrespect.
This parenting style pushes children away and makes them secretive. Children are people too, and the line of communication between a parent and a child should be open and should flow both ways.
3. Homophobia & toxic masculinity
Sigh. The amount of ignorance I've witnessed while being around my family is massive. Way too often did I see my adult family members correcting my male cousins for their behavior because it was deemed “too feminine.” From a young age, many Black boys learn to be tough, (or what they think to be), and shut out their emotions. They are taught that expressing emotions, like crying, is associated with femininity. Anything associated with femininity is labeled as gay, and if a Black boy exhibits anything close to homosexuality, he will be humiliated. This mindset leads to a hypermasculine man, who's aggressive, emotionally unavailable, and lacks respect for women. It's no wonder many Black men treat Black women so poorly—it’s because they were taught to reject women their whole lives.
But this doesn't have to continue. If we take the pressure off Black boys to act a certain way, they can grow into men on their own.
it's our job to break generational curses
But how? When you’ve seen the same habits and behaviors your whole life, it may seem impossible to unlearn them. I think the first step to breaking these generational habits is to become self-aware. We first have to acknowledge the destructive patterns that have affected us and how they are still affecting us today. From this consciousness, we can start to heal ourselves, allowing us to become positive models for future generations.
